55 Funny Quotes

55 Funny Quotes

1. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. – Lana Turner

2. I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. – Ron White

3. A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice. – Bill Cosby

4. Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. – Jim Carrey

5. Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard

6. I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. – Frank Sinatra

7. When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein

8. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. – Steve Martin

9. Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. – Mark Twain

10. Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. – Benjamin Franklin

11. A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

12. As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. – Buddy Hackett

13. Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. – Mark Twain

14. Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West

15. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. – Ellen DeGeneres

16. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. – Isaac Asimov

17. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. – Mitch Hedberg

18. I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. – Elayne Boosler

19. Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

20. If the facts don’t fit the theory, change the facts. – Albert Einstein

21. Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. – Hedy Lamarr

22. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

23. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright

24. A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it. – Jerry Seinfeld

25. Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. – Bill Cosby

26. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. – George Carlin

27. A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often. – Oliver Herford

28. I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people. – Rodney Dangerfield

29. All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height. – Casey Stengel

30. Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. – Ronald Reagan

31. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. – W. C. Fields

32. I’m an idealist. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m on my way. – Carl Sandburg

33. Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. – Margaret Mead

34. All generalizations are false, including this one. – Mark Twain

35. The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. – Natalie Wood

36. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

37. It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance. – Thomas Sowell

38. Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them. – P. J. O’Rourke

39. My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. – Winston Churchill

40. By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out. – Richard Dawkins

41. A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat. – Erma Bombeck

42. Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. – Joey Adams

43. A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ – Claude Pepper

44. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. – George Carlin

45. I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. – Mae West

46. You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think. – Milton Berle

47. I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. – Douglas Adams

48. A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. – Groucho Marx

49. A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

50. I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat. – Will Rogers

51. I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. – Woody Allen

52. By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

53. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. – George Burns

54. I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. – Groucho Marx

55. Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. – Red Skelton

We hope you enjoyed this collection of quotes. Check out our picture quote of the day here.

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